COLUMN: Money Can’t Buy Me Love?

THAT REALLY depends on where you go. In Sweden, for example, buying sex may land you a criminal offence. In other countries, however, the mores are less straightforward.

A COUPLE of months ago I came across a book called Living in the USA. The chapter on adult dating had very useful advice for, I would say, all men in general. The chapter revealed a stunning truth that having dinner with a young woman does not mean the two of you will later have sex even if you actually pay for the meal. “Unfair!” exclaimed my male friends and soon divided themselves into two opposing camps.

CAMP “gentleman” sustained that dinner bills should be split or that the woman should offer a dinner in exchange at some later time. This camp was composed of Germans, Swedes, English and Irish: make no mistake about it, they do expect you take out your wallet, no discount for your pretty eyes. The official excuse behind such frugality is that women are nowadays emancipated and may be offended by having someone offer to pay their bill. Many of these men, by the way, gladly accept me paying for them, so much for the equality of sexes. It will take forever to convince me why a woman – or anyone for that matter – would not like presents, money, and, why not, free dinners. In terms of monetary investment, the “gentleman” camp believes that both parties should take equal financial risk that they may not enjoy each other at the end of the date and, if they do, should equally pay for the pleasure of each other’s company.

CAMP “macho” was no better. Composed of Italians and Latin Americans, its proponents maintained that it is unworthy a man to make a lady pay. They would sell their last shirt and overdraft on their credit card to make a good impression with a gorgeous woman (= anything alive that wears a skirt) and they will invariably expect something in return. A king of barter payment for their monetary investment, beyond a simple pleasure of conversation. A form of prostitution, though very cheap, allowed by the social norms. If dinner is financial investment, then it is a secure one for an Italian: by having accepted his invitation the lady sends our Latin man a message that she agrees, and paying a bill is nothing more than delivering his part of the deal.

IN AMERICA, both camps would meet some serious trouble – camp “macho” most likely for sexual harassment when trying to exert their “legitimate” payment for something that, in his mind, has already been settled; camp “gentleman” for lack of generosity and obvious rudeness towards the female invitee. In America, the book sustained, the man should usually pay, expect nothing in return, be patient and crystally honest.

AS YOU may have already intuited, I like free dinners. I like them often and in expensive restaurants. I like them truly free, which leaves Italians desperate, Germans puzzled, and Finns completely freaked out. For now, sadly enough, I cook and wash the dishes until I meet my perfect dinner date. Any Americans out there?

ANNA KOCHAROV

Julkaistu alunperin Turun ylioppilaslehden numerossa 8/2008 (25.4.2008)